Why does it physically hurt when you have a broken heart? Why is it that when you feel pain emotionally, your whole body ~feels~ it, too? Why do I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside and yet feel the hurt on the outside? I have said this is a blog about my children but I need to vent for a few moments. I hope you readers don't mind.
When my heart was initially broken I cried all the time. In front of my kids, when I was alone, all the time. The last time I cried (apart from today) was a week ago, and I made sure that my children were in bed so they didn't have to see it. I guess time really is what it takes to heal all wounds as it is getting easier to not cry all the time. I feel weak for crying in front of my children. I am the person they are to look up to. What will they think if they see their mom crying and sad all the time?
I've been told wounds heal. Even emotional ones. A friend of mine (you know who you are, and I love you!) and I were talking and she told me that "Nietzsche says- "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."" We then talked about how the tribulations we go through damage us in a way that makes us stronger. Why is it that the deepest scars are invisible on the outside? What will it take for my heart to feel whole again? The hurt is so strong that it makes me start questioning my own self-worth. I suffer from low self esteem at the best of times and this has only added to it.
I am looking forward to our move. My sons and I will be moving to the United States in just under two weeks. It is something that has been planned for a long time; only now, it's for a complete new start. Once I get "home" I'm hoping it will be easier for my heart to heal. I have never ever in my life felt pain and sadness the way I have lately, and speaking of pain I've had two children so I've had some intense physical pain. That pain doesn't even scratch the surface of how much I'm hurting. People I know say I've been so strong through all of this. I don't feel strong. I feel weaker than weak and my strong front is just that, a facade. They say I'm strong because of how I've handled things. I see room for improvement in the way I've handled things. Again, it goes back to self-worth. I just feel so low. The only reason I am important is because I am a mother two my two beautiful boys. They have been my rocks and they are the reason I have been the way I have been through all of this.
Those of you who know what is going on, thank you for your continued support. I think I would be even more lost than I am now if it weren't for you. Those of you that don't know, I'm sure you will very soon. It's no secret, it's just something that I don't feel comfortable typing out for all to see.
Thank you for reading this far and thank you all for your prayers and support. I hope that some day soon the pain will start to fade and I can feel whole again.
