Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Why Does it *Hurt*?

Why does it physically hurt when you have a broken heart? Why is it that when you feel pain emotionally, your whole body ~feels~ it, too? Why do I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside and yet feel the hurt on the outside? I have said this is a blog about my children but I need to vent for a few moments. I hope you readers don't mind.

When my heart was initially broken I cried all the time. In front of my kids, when I was alone, all the time. The last time I cried (apart from today) was a week ago, and I made sure that my children were in bed so they didn't have to see it. I guess time really is what it takes to heal all wounds as it is getting easier to not cry all the time. I feel weak for crying in front of my children. I am the person they are to look up to. What will they think if they see their mom crying and sad all the time?

I've been told wounds heal. Even emotional ones. A friend of mine (you know who you are, and I love you!) and I were talking and she told me that "Nietzsche says- "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."" We then talked about how the tribulations we go through damage us in a way that makes us stronger. Why is it that the deepest scars are invisible on the outside? What will it take for my heart to feel whole again? The hurt is so strong that it makes me start questioning my own self-worth. I suffer from low self esteem at the best of times and this has only added to it.

I am looking forward to our move. My sons and I will be moving to the United States in just under two weeks. It is something that has been planned for a long time; only now, it's for a complete new start. Once I get "home" I'm hoping it will be easier for my heart to heal. I have never ever in my life felt pain and sadness the way I have lately, and speaking of pain I've had two children so I've had some intense physical pain. That pain doesn't even scratch the surface of how much I'm hurting. People I know say I've been so strong through all of this. I don't feel strong. I feel weaker than weak and my strong front is just that, a facade. They say I'm strong because of how I've handled things. I see room for improvement in the way I've handled things. Again, it goes back to self-worth. I just feel so low. The only reason I am important is because I am a mother two my two beautiful boys. They have been my rocks and they are the reason I have been the way I have been through all of this.

Those of you who know what is going on, thank you for your continued support. I think I would be even more lost than I am now if it weren't for you. Those of you that don't know, I'm sure you will very soon. It's no secret, it's just something that I don't feel comfortable typing out for all to see.
Thank you for reading this far and thank you all for your prayers and support. I hope that some day soon the pain will start to fade and I can feel whole again.


Lynners said...

I'm so sorry you are in such an tortured place at the moment. But I'm dang impressed that you carry on for your boys. (who are ADORABLE, by the way) You're right though, agony lessons with time.

I don't think it ever leaves you completely though. Even though I'm in a beautiful marriage, and Ben makes me ridiculously happy, I still feel the pain of former break-ups. I have healed, and it's not like I even want those people anymore, but the anguish is still vivid.

I think you're an angel and deserve all the happiness life can throw at you. You can be a better, stronger person for all of this. And you'll know what to say to your boys when they come to you with pain of their own. Good luck with the next few weeks. Lots of love, Lyn

Minxy Mimi said...

Good luck with whatever is going on with you. I can only guess. Life throws things at us and we either sink or swim. I am positive you can swim! You have your boys to show you that life is worth living and whatever happened before, they are the wonderful and beautiful things that have come out of this period in your life. ((hugs))

Ben Bardwell (Lyn's husband) said...

1 Corinth 10:13. I don't know what to write. I like to apply this to our trials in life. There will never be anything we can't handle in our life. If, we involve our Creator and our Heavenly Father. In so many way's it's frustrating, to say the least, when a woman is left to feel degraded and worthless. Don't get me started on my ideas of payback/punishment. I have no idea what you're really going through. Just know many care for your welfare.

Anonymous said...

You are strong, and you are worth something aside from your two gorgeous boys. You are a mother but also a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend...and that makes you worthy, not just your mother status. My heart aches for know I have gone through my issues as well, and they don't exactly heal, sorry to say, but you can live with them and make them not be your identity, but something you eventually feel proud of "moving beyond". Does that make sense at all? (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Amanda, it has been a long time since we were on the boards together, but I want you to know that I understand exactly how you feel at this moment. I can tell you that with each day it will both get harder and get easier. Many hugs and lots of thoughts headed your way.

Kristin McCleary said...

Amanda: I am so proud of you! You know that I am one of the few who knows exactly how you are feeling, our only differnece is you have those two little boys to worry about at the same time. But you know that you are making the right decision no matter what doubts you have,it will be so much better when you get to your prarents for a little bit.
Again Im happy you are here and please call me or email me and we can chat or go out for ice cream just anything, let me know when you are up to it.
Hey add my blog to your archive